Feeling This, Remembering That

He looks at her. She sees nothing. She notices nothing. He dreams of her. She knows not. She knows not of how he feels. And of this he is both content and dissatisfied at the same time. He does not know whether to continue harbouring this feeling, or tell her everything, or to forget about it, for friendship’s sake. He chooses the latter, but fails. He fails to let the feelings fade. He fails to forget. But he says to himself he is content with her as a good friend.

He thinks he is falling back in love with her, when he thought it had faded away to tiny little pieces. It had come back. Stronger than before. He is reluctant to accept that fact, afraid to put the friendship in danger. He is afraid, always afraid of losing a friend like her. He thinks he would like her better as a friend. He knows he would like her better as a friend. And so he chooses again to let the feeling stay locked up in his heart.

He thinks of her, he doesn’t think of her. Then he realises he would then just go back and think about her again. He knows he has to let it fade. But he cannot. He does not know how to. He tries to spend his time in other distractions. He plays games. He does work. And he is happy. He forgets for a while. Then when he gets away from the distractions, the feeling comes back. He is frustrated. He looks at his picture with her. He remembers the times they spent together. It hurts him. It hurts him so much to know she would never accept him more than a friend. He realises this, and tries to denies this, but realises again it is almost impossible.

He turns on the stereo as loud as conditions would allow. He does not want to disturb his neighbours. They have their own worries to contend with too. He is not the only one with such problems. He is not alone. Yet he cannot talk with them. He does not want to. He is not comfortable talking about it. He knows he has only one person to talk to about it, but she is thousands of miles away. She knows. She has known for so long. She is his true friend in every sense of the word.

He does not want to disturb her at this time. It is probably early morning back where she is. She is probably asleep. Yet he wants to hear her voice so desperately. So badly. He tries not to relent, and he succeeds. And for one more day, he has survived the pain.

******

I found this when I was checking all my documents. Something I wrote a few months ago. I guess I’ll share this with you guys. Just don’t expect to tell me who it’s about.

Signing out

Over and out