Calls & Commitment

Sometimes you think wait-and-see is the best policy, and in certain situations, it might even ring true. But in most cases, it just means you’ve missed another opportunity to make your life better, to make it that little bit richer, or more exciting. Even bearable.

I’m saying this because I’ve employed the wait-and-see tactic so often, yet never had it benefited me, and sometimes I wish that I had taken the chances and opportunities that were there, for me to take, to grab hold of. I keep giving myself excuses why I should wait longer, and why that moment wasn’t exactly the best time. But then, the real truth was, there never is that perfect moment. You just have to grab hold of one moment, and make that one perfect for yourself, for that particular situation. Because after that one single moment where you overcome your doubts and fears, you will come out knowing you’ve done something. It doesn’t matter if it didn’t go as planned, or if it made you the happiest person on earth. The only thing that matters is that you won’t spend the rest of your life pondering over what might’ve been.

I’m so afraid of commitment, afraid that I won’t be able to devote my time and resources to her – no matter how much I love that someone. I cannot imagine myself getting married, not now, not in five years, not even ten. Maybe not ever. Aside from being scared of commitment, it’s knowing that when I finally meet that perfect someone who I would want to spend my life with, she wouldn’t be the type of person who would want to be married anyway. She’d be the type of person who knows that marriage isn’t necessary to show someone’s affection towards another. She’d despise the idea of public showing of affection through marriage. I don’t know. It all seems so ridiculous sometimes. It’s even fair to say it’s too early to think about marriage and the likes.

Pathetic. That’s the description I’d give on myself. I keep discovering that I’m still in love with the same person even after I keep reminding myself that there’s less than one in a million chance of something happening between me and her. It’s not just that I can’t fall out of love with her. It’s that I’m too scared to move on, too scared to fall out of love with her. I’m afraid I’ll lose one of the few things helping me to cope with how unreal everything else feels. Emotions keep me in touch with myself, and in touch with reality, if there is ever such a thing as reality. Even if love is indeed an illusion, I’ll gladly cling onto it like a drug.

But this time I’ll act. This time I’ll say something to her. I’ll finally tell her, even though deep inside I suspect she might’ve known all along. Even though everytime she asks me if there is anyone I like, I’d always say no.

I’m preparing myself to be hurt. I’m prepared to let myself be crushed, just to let this burden off me.

Signing out

Over and out