Heroes & Hindsight

Right now I'm supposed to be cheery and smiling, I should think. Since tomorrow is my last day of school for this year, I shouldn't really have a care in the world. But the fact of the matter is, I still have two courseworks to hand in for tomorrow, and although both of them are nearly finished, the last parts are usually the ones that take the most time.

Honestly, coursework doesn't really bother me. They're both quite easy anyways.

WHat's really bothering me is the headache and the sore throat, both of which combine to give me one hell of a day. I barely had the energy to walk back to the house during lunch. And bloody hell, it was fucking cold. If there's one thing I won't miss about England, it's the fucking weather. You get the sense that the weather is a power struggle between sunshine and the infamous English drizzle.

I haven't got much to talk about. It's pretty mundane, the things that happen at the end of term. There're talks of us doing C4 and S1/M2 in January, so that by then, we would've finished our Maths syllabus, and thus granting us much-needed PRs (personal reading time during lessons, or as we would like to call it, personal recreation). Other than that, it's the usual stuff.

I like what we're gonna do for English next year. I'm excited about the poetry. We're doing Milton's Paradise Lost, Book 9 and 10. It's gonna be exciting since it's about the devil's rebellion against God before and after the creation of Adam & Eve. Reading Book 1, Satan comes out almost as a tragic hero and a military figure as the leader of the fallen angels. It sounds interesting. Not that I'm a Satanist or anything. Hahaha.

Going around the house (especially the sixth-form) is Mario Kart 64 fever, which is weird since the game is already quite old. It's not to say it's not fun anymore. Even I got into it. But I truly and honestly suck at it.

Apparently there's gonna be an outdoor rock concert in school right after I've already left, which kinda sucks. I'd like to see some of my friends rockin' out.

Okay. Enough of my random ramblings.

Signing out

Over and out

Calls & Commitment

Sometimes you think wait-and-see is the best policy, and in certain situations, it might even ring true. But in most cases, it just means you’ve missed another opportunity to make your life better, to make it that little bit richer, or more exciting. Even bearable.

I’m saying this because I’ve employed the wait-and-see tactic so often, yet never had it benefited me, and sometimes I wish that I had taken the chances and opportunities that were there, for me to take, to grab hold of. I keep giving myself excuses why I should wait longer, and why that moment wasn’t exactly the best time. But then, the real truth was, there never is that perfect moment. You just have to grab hold of one moment, and make that one perfect for yourself, for that particular situation. Because after that one single moment where you overcome your doubts and fears, you will come out knowing you’ve done something. It doesn’t matter if it didn’t go as planned, or if it made you the happiest person on earth. The only thing that matters is that you won’t spend the rest of your life pondering over what might’ve been.

I’m so afraid of commitment, afraid that I won’t be able to devote my time and resources to her – no matter how much I love that someone. I cannot imagine myself getting married, not now, not in five years, not even ten. Maybe not ever. Aside from being scared of commitment, it’s knowing that when I finally meet that perfect someone who I would want to spend my life with, she wouldn’t be the type of person who would want to be married anyway. She’d be the type of person who knows that marriage isn’t necessary to show someone’s affection towards another. She’d despise the idea of public showing of affection through marriage. I don’t know. It all seems so ridiculous sometimes. It’s even fair to say it’s too early to think about marriage and the likes.

Pathetic. That’s the description I’d give on myself. I keep discovering that I’m still in love with the same person even after I keep reminding myself that there’s less than one in a million chance of something happening between me and her. It’s not just that I can’t fall out of love with her. It’s that I’m too scared to move on, too scared to fall out of love with her. I’m afraid I’ll lose one of the few things helping me to cope with how unreal everything else feels. Emotions keep me in touch with myself, and in touch with reality, if there is ever such a thing as reality. Even if love is indeed an illusion, I’ll gladly cling onto it like a drug.

But this time I’ll act. This time I’ll say something to her. I’ll finally tell her, even though deep inside I suspect she might’ve known all along. Even though everytime she asks me if there is anyone I like, I’d always say no.

I’m preparing myself to be hurt. I’m prepared to let myself be crushed, just to let this burden off me.

Signing out

Over and out

Cars & Chlorine

It turns out I have 2 chemistry courseworks and 1 Physics coursework to do in two weeks, post-exams, and I'm not happy at all. At least today is my last exam, and that's the ever delightful C3. I'm not looking forward to it at all. Oh, well, retaking won't be so bad, I guess.

By the way, Sam & Geo did a prank on Jack Rose's car this morning during their double PR. They wrapped his car in clear plastic, which looks so funny up close. I can't believe they did it while it was raining, for a full ten minutes.






Hahaha.

Tell you what though. One thing I'm really looking forward to is the fact that I'll be on my flight home exactly two weeks from tomorrow. I can't wait :D

Signing out

Over and out

Balls & Bravery

I actually mean tennis balls when I said 'balls' in the title. And it's cause I was watching the French Open Men's final, and again Federer lost to Nadal. I'm not pleased at all. Federer was just making too many unforced errors, I felt like slapping him in the face and whacking his torso with his own tennis racket. Oh well, he'll dominate Wimbledon.

By the way, if you want some laughs, click on Collins's Night In. It's a video of one of the upper sixth being drunk, and it's well and truly funny.

I need something proper to do.

Signing out

Over and out

Silent & Expectant

Okay, so today had been utterly and mind-numbingly boring, so I guess, that's why I've been posting a lot on Multiply today. Keeping myself busy is kinda hard when almost all of the people from my year have gone home on exam leave, and it's annoying. My roommate's staying, but I'd rather him not. No offence or anything, it's just that having the room to myself on days like this would mean at least I could turn the music up really loud and scream my lungs out.

Instead, I re-did my site. I like the background I did. I'd like to think it's sending out a message whenever people see it. And yeah, the pictures are taken from CD album covers. I especially like the 'communicate' and 'emote' part of the background. The background didn't take me long to do, and that gave me time to re-do the colour scheme, but that was only five minutes of mix-and-match. Nothing major, I guess.

I'm proud of the fact that I like to personalise everything so that my things won't look exactly like everyone else's things. If people have seen my laptop, you'll know it's my laptop. Hahahahaha. Ha. It's a knackered piece of machinery, but nonetheless, it's served me well. I guess it's like a dysfunctional relationship. There's so many things wrong with the laptop, and there's so many things wrong with how I deal with it, but at the end of the day, I still find it in my heart to call it mine. Haha.

Signing out

Over and out

Cause & Effect

Well, my exams are basically finished, except for the pesky C3 paper on the 14th, but hey, that's a beef. It's not exactly in our AS syllabus (it's A2 Maths), and we only took it cause Mr Hayes thinks we're absolutely awesome in Maths, that he's failed to realise he's absolutely aweful in teaching.

Thanks to (or despite just) five minutes of Physics revision, I think I did relatively well in the two papers, unless everyone was exaggerating over how hard the first paper was, and I was simply too gullible to think they might've been a bit exaggerating.

A combined 3 hours and 5 minutes of revision for Maths, Physics, and Chemistry, is quite impressive for my standards. I'm quite proud of myself. Hahahahahahahahahahahaha. Haha. Ha.

Okay, I'm gonna stop talking about exams, because to be honest, who can really be arsed?

Signing out

Over and out

Trains & Thoughts

If it was made to be here
We aren’t exactly what we made ourselves to be
Sure it doesn’t make sense
But what else ever does?
We see ourselves in the mirror everyday
Hoping one change would change it all
Daydreaming in front of yourself again
With dreams that will never matter

You lean on me one more time
Hoping things would just go away like they never do
Well it rarely came to anything
But what else ever did?
We curse the days when it felt so bad
Knowing one change would change it all
Just dancing in our heads to the rhythm
With lyrics that will never matter

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I love your ironic laughs. The way they appear out of thin air, right after two seconds of silence. I love the way I can talk to you about anything and know that you’ll understand even when you don’t agree.

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Bits and pieces of thoughts, so unstructured, and unarranged, penned to be viewed by others. Maybe it’s best left this way, unordered and chaotic, because this is how life is, chaotic.

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I did Chemistry this morning, but hey, I’m not really that bothered what grades I get. Maybe I’ll drop Chemistry next year, or Physics. I’m not sure yet. I haven’t really decided. See which one I'm worse in.

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Is it wrong to assume someone will love you back if you love them enough? Apparently, it is. And in real life, it’s too much of a gamble, so you go on with your normal life, going with the flow, letting the feelings build up inside, but never letting them surface. I get confused, with anything and everything, and yet, I see most things clearer that most how most people see the same things.

Paradoxes are my specialty. I was born a paradox, a subtle mix of different oxymorons put into a blender made into this person typing on the keyboard.

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Everyone’s a hypocrite, and if people say they aren’t hypocrites, then they clearly are.

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Is it just me, or has music gone backwards in time?

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Life isn’t meaningful. Living it is.

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Time is running out.

For what?

Just about everything.

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Signing out

Over and out