I feel so distant sometimes. Just with everything. Reality seems further than it is. It feels like even reality isn’t real anymore. Everything feels so… Contrived. Imagined, even. Nothing else exist. Just my mind, imagining that everything exists, to not feel lonely. And not feel empty. I can never be sure I’m real, let alone everything else. Even nothing seems wrong. It implies absence, and therefore it doesn’t necessarily mean non-existence. It’s absurd. Sometimes I don’t know why I think the way I think. Other times I completely understand why. This is the time when I’m in between the two states of mind.
Can I ever be sure everyone that I know isn’t a figment of my imagination? A personified ideal that my mind had created to fill that inner void, perhaps.
I feel so separated and detached from my body, it feels unreal. Pain, pleasure, it’s all in my mind. The fingers that are typing the words now, they feel like they’re not a part of me. Like they are just parts of machinery that I’m operating from my mind. I’m the machine-operator of my own body, pulling levers and pushing switches in my head to make the right movement and reflexes. Almost like I’m playing with a remote-controlled robot.
Sometimes I feel that nothing in the world matters. That existence is illusory. That life’s goals are just distractions to keep us busy till the day we die.
It all sounds a bit depressing, I know, but it doesn’t exactly feel that way. It’s more apathy than anything. I’m not suicidal, but I feel like ending my life right here right now won’t really matter much to the grand scheme of things, if there ever was one.
Moving to reality, if it exists.
We are just a tiny speck of dust, us humans. Still we get cocky. Still we act like we own the world. Like we own the universe. We act like gods. Sometimes worse. We commit unspeakable atrocities, then we say we do them in the name of our God. Observe, 9/11, the Crusade, the Holocaust. We wage wars against one another, to prove whose God or gods are better. History will always be rewritten by the victors of wars. Imagine if Hitler won the war. We’d be reading history books on how the Allies were unjust, polluted minds bent on destroying an ideal, a Nazi government that was and always had been (claims the book) right all along.
We divide ourselves in groups of race, religion, nation and political ideas. We shoot each other down in a typical ‘I’m definitely right because I’m stronger’ manner. That’s the decaying human race, ladies and gentlemen. Fighting against each other just to prove whose cock is bigger, and about other petty things.
The world is dominated by testosterone-driven, egoistic principles, people bent on being selfish and as rich as possible. Capitalism cripples the poor. It strengthens only the rich. Moral virtues are now considered for the weak, for hippies. Concern for others is way under the list of priorities. Human rights are constantly being ignored. We are also crippling the environment, with our reckless polluting and wasting. We indulge ourselves in the illogical reasoning that saving the world is not reason enough to start changing our lifestyles.
Anyone thinking or acting or even appearing differently from us is automatically exiled, questioned and shot down. We are self-centred and narcissistic creatures. That’s why we are one of the only creatures to have self-awareness when seeing the mirror. We are vain, self-absorbed beings.
Apathy is the main problem with most people. We are indifferent to everything. We shut ourselves out from the everyday massacres, wars and famine, and act like nothing’s happening. We watch the TV, see a starving child in Darfur on the news, say “Oh my god. Poor kid,” and then change the channel to watch what else is on. It’s not happening to us, so why should we be worried about it, we convince ourselves.
We concern ourselves with news of famous people dating other famous people. We concern ourselves with news of our favourite football team winning against the other football team. But why not, for a few moments, concern ourselves with news of the world’s real concerns? Just for a few moments, pick up the newspaper (not the tabloid), read about what’s going on around the world, and don’t start with the back page either. And after that put the newspaper in the recycling bin. How hard will that be?
Moving away from human indifference, if we can ever move away from it.
I feel empty sometimes. Well, most of the time. Like there’s a void waiting to be filled. Partly because my best friend is halfway across the world. But a lot of it also centres on the fact that I don’t have someone to call just to say good night. I wanna fall in love again. I guess that’s what I’m trying to say. Because falling in love would instil some sense of reality back into me. Because it’d fill that void. For a long time I have thought, I can be happy when I’m single, which is true. I am happy with my life. But being happy with it doesn’t necessarily mean there’s nothing I would add to it.
I don’t know. I’d like someone who would put her head on my shoulder, while we look up at the sky, talking about our dreams and ambitions. I guess I already have friends to do that with, thought they won’t necessarily rest their heads on my shoulder. I am so thankful for my friends. They make me look back and feel glad that I feel that I would never change anything that I’ve been through, just because it’s made me to who I am today. I am happy with myself. What makes me somewhat a liberal humanist is the fact that I value relationships over other things.
I love you. Whoever you are.
These are little snippets I wrote for certain people for Valentine’s Day, probably two Valentines ago. I won’t reveal who they’re for, but they’re people who’ve made a special impact on my life, just for being in it.
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Melodrama of one's silence
The turnaround of the day
A guilty pleasure in seeing you cry
It breaks my heart
The words of my needed solace
The voices inside of me
Call your name in an endless loop
It breaks my heart
A war for my Valentine
A resolution is what we need
Feelings that are mine
They tell of an angel's deeds
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The words of a jovial angel
Brings solace to a grateful friend
A smile just so ethereal
Motivation for this tired soul
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A sweetness defined by endless smiles
Enthused with a touch of vivid cheerfulness
An amiability defined by amicable laughs
Inspiration for a friend by joyfulness
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Reminiscent of the afternoon conversations
Gratitude for the affable friend
The melancholic state of mind is eased
By the willingness to listen
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A fair innocence brings joy
As a friend in innumerable circumstances
A thousand angels could never replace
A million thanks would never suffice
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Thanks everyone, for just being in my life. I really do appreciate it.
As they say, a stranger is only a friend who you’ve never met before.
Signing out
Over and out
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