Wednesday, April 29, 2009

How To Prepare For Your Exams When You're Incurably Lazy

These are alternate exam preparations for the terminally-lazy and the can't-be-arsed camp.

Acknowledge That The Exam Exists

Then move on. You can't change the nature of the exam. You might as well enjoy yourself.

Watch Some Educational Videos

Yes, this will be helpful. Trust me. We all know all of the world's knowledge can be learnt through the media. For example, you can learn about scientific experimentation on, for example, Mythbusters. They teach you that a single data point or one single result can be used to correctly determine the probabilities of certain occurences. CSI, CSI: Miami, or even CSI Tijuana: The Swine Flu Killer, teach us that in the field of forensics, DNA tests can be completed in mere hours, and security cameras can be zoomed in and the pixels can be refined so much that you would think these cameras captured hundreds of hours of video in High-Definition. Youtube videos also provide for a place of discussion where non-experts can argue about how the big bang theory was actually two asteroids colliding on each other and that dinosaurs actually lived with humans and were kept as pets.

Borrow Books From The Library On Your Course

Then stack them up and show them off to your friends and say "my course is worse, you got to study books the thickness of a house!" After that, proceed to forget to renew the books and accumulate £50 in late fees, even though you've never actually read them.

Facebook On How Scared You Are Of Exams

Log onto Facebook and put as your facebook status "[insert name] hasn't studied anything, and exam is tomorrow." This comforts other people into thinking, "wait, I'm not the only one. I don't have to worry that much then." This works on two levels. First, you'll have an excuse for not getting that First Class you supposedly deserve, you were too lazy for it. Second, other people will also not get that First Class they actually deserve because they think not studying is the Facebook thing to do.

Stay Up Late And Party

This way, you'll still have the adrenaline rush and don't have to spend time on trivialities such as getting up, brushing your teeth and having a shower. If possible, even skip a breakfast. A hungry stomach leads to a hungry mind, and a hungry mind craves knowledge. Therefore you will automatically be psyched for your exam.

Panic (Or Look Like You Are Panicking)

When waiting outside the exam hall, mumble nonsense repeatedly. Every five minutes, shout "I thought I knew this! I can't believe this is happening!" while your hands are in the air. When asked to quiet down, tell them that they're all doomed as well, and that the lecturers/teachers deceived them in letting them think they actually understand the classes, when in fact they don't.

If you're lucky, people with low self-esteem or who just happen to be very anxious will become very nervous and either scream "I don't wanna do this!" and run to the toilet or cry in the entirety of the exam. Either way, these few people will hopefully do worse than you and take you up a few percentiles.

In Case Of Emergency, Know How To Cheat

People who say cheaters never prosper can be divided into three categories: (a) they've never cheated before, (b) they got caught doing it, or (c) they didn't cheat properly. Now there are several ways you can go about cheating, properly.

One of the most famous is the 'tattoo,' where you scribble the most important points onto a part of your anatomy. Most popular choices include the palm of your hand, the back of the palm of your hand, the leg and the back of your arm. Of course when you go into the exam hall (or wherever it is your exam is being held) you need to be subtle about it. Do not wear shorts and sleeveless shirts if you've written an entire book all over your body. Be smart about it. You can also write between your fingers or even on your nails, if your handwriting is small enough.

There are several other methods, including the duct-tape method, the bra-hide (if you're a female) or the calculator-hide method (if your exam involves a calculator).

Note: If you actually follow these instructions, you're terminally stupid. I don't condone cheating, and this was intended as a joke. And yes, I should be studying.

Signing out

Over and out

Now playing: Quarashi - Make a Move
via FoxyTunes

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