One Night Dance

It's the penultimate day to the end of Easter holidays, and to be honest, it's been a pretty mixed three and a half weeks.

It's been a very intense Easter, really. The good, the bad, and the unimaginables. I don't know. It's certainly been the most interesting holiday so far in my two years here. I can never say it was the best. My grandfather's death prevented it from being so. And also the paranoia and the anxiety of things I can't quite elaborate here. I guess in all probability I will never find out for sure if our suspicions were true, but then it's mellowed out a bit, so we're looking forward now.

In my moments of weakness, Pill has been there to pick me up. Three weeks with her has been truly amazing. I don't really want to think that tomorrow is the last day until we meet again three weeks later.

And then, there're our exams. Mine will determine whether I'll live in London or York. Wow. York. Haha.

I guess York will be good for me. Away from the judging eyes, from the scrutinising Bruneian gossipers.

Signing out

Over and out

The Inconvenient Inevitability

The news got through to you.

It is midnight, unnoticed as it is, it is the start of another day. Yet how ironic that it is to be the end for another person's, forever. Eternal nothingness, he has stepped into. Yet no one will accept that. He will live on, at least in our heads, in our memories. He will live on.

Eternal nothingness, as they say.

You pick up the phone, and there it is. It is to be the messenger of death, of one's eternal nothingness. No need to re-read it. No need. You knew it was coming. You expected it, it was only a matter of time. But it did not make it easier. If anything, it made it harder for you.

You drop the phone, and it fades away into irrelevance. The world blurs. You ignore the people in the room as you dash to the toilet. In one quick movement the door is locked and you collapse onto the floor. The tears fall like angels of death, if that would even make sense. It does not. You know it doesn't.

Two in twelve months. Unsurprising now it seems, yet still unwanted. Such an inconvenience, death is. Dreams left unfulfilled, debts left unpaid, love left unexpressed. An inconvenient inevitability. Yet without it, life is worthless. Life would be an irrelevant concept were it not for the existence of death.

Solace is here. Your much needed solace is just right beside you. Unmoving, your solace keeps you warm for the night. Your solace helps you sleep tonight.

Solace in death.

May your death be solace from the pain you fought through to survive.

You fought hard.

Yet death is, an inconvenient inevitability.

--------------------

I was better prepared for it last night than I was about twelve months ago. Yet it did not make it any easier. Almost a year on, the tears came again to haunt me.

My grandfather, the late Haji Abdullah bin Hj Bakar, passed away yesterday, 6.15 am. In one year, both my mom's parents have gone. Now I only have one grandparent left.

Again, I found out through my cousin. But this time it's almost forgivable, since my parents called me a few hours after, rather than two weeks after my grandmother's death, and only because I called them to say I found out through my cousin's blog. Almost forgivable.

Nini Laki, you will not be forgotten. You were a strong man. You went through a lot after Nini Bini's death. I remember being in the hospital taking care of you for what was maybe a couple of weeks, and it was only last summer. I would never forget that. It taught me a lot.

You were loved by your sons and daughters, and your grandsons and your granddaughters, and everyone else you knew. And you still are.

This isn't the best eulogy, but it's hard to write something when you're trying to hold back tears.

We love you, Nini Laki. And we love you Nini Bini.

Both of you now gone. But not forgotten.

Signing out

Over and out

Half Of This Was Away With Half Of Me

So how was your half-term?

Shut up. I don't want to hear about it. Instead you're gonna hear about mine.

For both weekends, I stayed in Oxford, and spent most of my time there with my pill. Which was brilliant. I enjoyed myself so much with her. I can't wait for her to come to our house dance :D

The rest of it was alright. The weekdays were spent in sunny London. Yes, I'm not actually being sarcastic here. London was indeed sunny. Sunshine and sunny rays. Sweeties and sugar days. Spent the day before Valentine's playing football with the lads. Heh. That was actually really quite fun. Of course playing for four straight hours gave me a really bad headache and a really sleepy head that felt as heavy as an anvil strapped to a cow. With three fat (sorry, I meant clinically obese) Americans on its back shouting "Yippe-Kay-Yay."

Of course when I was about to have a pre-sleep lunch, one of the cleaner ladies told me my brother was in the hospital, and out of obligation I had to stagger my way to St. Mary's hospital. Feeling probably worse than my brother, who was actually on the hospital bed having a nice little nap, I had to sit there for a couple of hours doing nothing, waiting for the doctors to actually find out what the hell was happening with him.

Almost dead, I excused myself for a few hours, saying I haven't eaten anything but dirt from playing football, which was actually true (Well...). It was an hour before I came back to the hospital, with Churn, Faiz and Deebs. If it wasn't for Deebs, I would've injected myself with morphine out of boredom, though I'm not sure how that would help. Then there was this curious guy who kept talking to me about football because I was wearing an Italian football jacket.

"Waff wafff Italy waff waff wishy waff World Cup 2012 waff England" was all I heard at first. Of course I didn't have the heart (or the balls) to tell him he was wrong, that there won't be a World Cup in 2012 (it's in 2010 and 2014) or that it wasn't in England. Then I pretended to understand what he was saying, and I managed to get away with it.

"Waff waff boosh waff Italy win waff Cup waff England not winning waff waff south african team maybe waff waff" he said. So I replied:

"Ah yes, but I think the Italian team is way too old, and some of them might have retired by then." To which he grumbled and mumbled out of grudge because I actually knew a thing or two about the Italian team.

Did virtually fuck-all for Valentine's. I did plan something for the pill, but by that stage it wasn't my job, it was the girls from Headington's job. I just giggled in the corner of the lobby wondering how well it's going, proud for having thought of such a plan.

I can't wait for March 1st.

Signing out

Over and out

Go Across The Pond Over The Shark

So, today I'm twenty years and one day old. Thanks to everyone who greeted me, texted me, wrote on my Facebook wall, my Multiply guestbook and my Friendster. Although nothing especially big happened yesterday, the sheer number of greetings really cheered me up.

Probably the one that struck me most was my little sister's text:

"Happy birthday to you,abg mujahid.diah"

That simple little sentence made me realise how much I miss her so much. And my little baby sister. And my other siblings.

I've actually got more to blog about, but I haven't got much time till next lesson.

Signing out

Ove and out

To Us, This Is A Truthful Tragedy

I know everyone's sulking over the fact that half-term is over, and truth be told, I'm bummed out of my mind trying to figure out how the ten days went by so fast. Damn it, it was a good half-term.

So many things happened.Urggh, I don't even know where to start.

I went to Cardiff for my cousin's 22nd birthday bash. That was awesome. Made some new friends, and had some crazy moments that was unforgettable. Hahaha. Mel, if you're reading this, thanks for inviting me :D And wow, Eric. I know you're not gonna read this, so god damn you, you lucky bastard :P

The next day we had to go to the Dorchester hotel for the BSUnion Raya thing, which wasn't too bad. I won a box of Ferrero Rocher chocolates for answering the quiz, which got wiped clean before I even got on the bus.

Deylah and Desiree were two people I spent much more time together than I would have thought. Never mind they called me Mu Mu (huh?) most of the time. Hahaha. We stayed up late doing practically nothing telling each other we should go to sleep. That was stupid, I guess :P And oh, when Farah wasn't in London, Deylah was my Sainsbury companion. Hahahaha.

I'll post some pictures of half-term soon. Wait for it.

Signing out

Over and out

Ironies In Indefinite Intervals

She sees it. The swirl of colours, just above her, strokes of bold, primary tones. It is only a dream, she assures herself. Yet she has never felt anything so real before. The way the gust of wind just brush past her. The blinding explosion of colours. And the sheer confusion of it all.

This is one of those 'real' dreams, she says to herself. It is a dream. It must be.

What else can it be?

The ground shakes and trembles as suddenly a ball of light crashes onto the earth. The trees shiver in terror and the birds leave their nests in fright as more descended from the sky. The surface crumbles into pieces, cracks travelling from one end of the horizon to the other. The sky grew darker as the light fade and descend into destruction.

In horror she retreats under a fallen tree which has been overgrown with mushrooms. Cowering, she starts praying for her life, wishing to herself this is just a nightmare.

Now she waits for the chaos to stop. She waits and she waits, but the longer she does, the more violent the tremors become, and as the sky turns into complete darkness, she cries herself to sleep, the ground still shaking, and the light and the colours no longer there.

------------------------------------------

It's half-term. Well, almost. Still have two(-ish) kessons to go, and house-singing to go to. For unison we're doing four songs from Les Miserables, and for the part song we're doing Bohemian Rhapsody, which looks and sounds absolutely incredible. Our unison isn't bad either. The sheer energy and volume, and the pace of the piano and the urgency of the voices. I think we're in for a chance for top spot.

Tomorrow we're going to London. Looking forward to that. Looks like I'm not going to Manchester to see Capdown after all. Oh well. I didn't get a ticket for the Dorchester raya thing, and I'm quite pissed off. Well, not really, but just a little bit disappointed. One thing left to do is go to my cousin's 22nd birthday in Cardiff. That is if I still have enough dosh by then. Heh.

Signing out

Over and out

Colours & Numbers Will Give You Wonders

So I haven't updated in a while, and by a while, it's actually just barely over a week. But yeah, this week has been a filled and busy one. My flight to London was alright. It was quite a coincidence that in the plane I sat next to another vegetarian, so it made me that bit more comfortable being in an enclosed space when I'm eating. Hahahaha. It turns out I was on the same flight with 15 new A-Level scholars. They were alright. I was careful not to act like the oldie in the group, although I did give them a few pointers when we got to Heathrow.

Anyways, so I spent the weekend (just the Saturday, really. Had to go back to school early Sunday) with my cousins, Nana (Mel) & Yayai (Mell), and their friends. Ate at Satay House, went to Trafalgar Square for the 'Disability Rights Festival', watched '1408' at Leicester Square. It was fun. Enjoyed my time with them. The three MJs in the UK. Hahahaha.

School's been great. My new Bruneian Severn Hill housemate, Mubin, is alright. He's great. Apparently I'm assigned by Mr. Vicars, our housemaster, to be his mentor. Oh well. I don't really mind. Football's been awesome. We beat Riggs 4-3 in 2nd Leagues, but lost 3-0 to School House in 1st Leagues. Not that we deserved the beating, although we didn't deserve to win either.

Oh, by the way, I'm so happy when I found out I got full marks for my Shakespeare module in AS English Literature. 90 out of 90. You can't see it, but I'm grinning my ass off. Heh. And oh, my brother is going to the UK, gonna study at Bedford School, where Eric and Onn are. Flight's this Sunday.

Signing out

Over and out

A Mention For An Amendment Decades In The Making

For the second day in a row, I'm having breakfast at De Royalle Cafe, here in Bandar, with really not much to do than go online, check Facebook & Multiply, and recently, starting to read blogs from Brunei's very own Blogging Nation. But in all honesty, going online isn't always unproductive. Just by a few random clicks and and BAM! You find out something you didn't even imagine could even be true, likely or possible. That's literally how I ended up being a vegan. A few random clicks and there I was, pondering over the ethics of animal exploitation.

[skip this part if you get bored easily. Hahaha]

With creativity though, there's a lot you can do online. There's this Wikipedia game that people play, where you have to link two seemingly unrelated topics. Here's how it works:

Choose two totally unrelated topics. Eg. Mitsubishi, and Anne Frank

Then choose a starting point. I'll choose Anne Frank as an example. Enter it on Wikipedia

Then read the article, looking for any links for articles that might get you one step closer to achieving your final goal, Mitsubishi, in as few clicks as possible.

I've gone from Anne Frank to Germany to Japan to Mitsubishi. Accomplished!

Hahahahaa.

I know what you're thinking. This is the saddest game I've ever heard. And yes, it kinda is. But it's still good fun.

[Yes, it's safe now]

Anyways, so I'm bored here. I'm not gonna say I'm bored out of my mind because the truth is, I'm not THAT bored. Facebook is a good companion. BBC News is on the telly, so you can't really say I'm not learning anything while I'm sitting here sipping my Caramel Latte in De Royalle.

The rain is soothing. It's a soft drizzling delicate shower. And unlike when it rains in the UK, the sky is still bright. Makes for a good walk under the rain. Although since I've got lunch later at somewhere else, I don't plan to get wet here and now. And since I've been spending much more time in Bandar (no, don't call me a Poklen. Hahaha), I've noticed there are loads of tourists around. And they all look the same, with their khaki shorts and oversized camping bags. And oh, a big-ass camera hanging around their neck. I guess it's some kind of tourist uniform rule that all European/American tourists wear when going to a tropical country. Hoho. Ha. A lot of them hang out at De Royalle too, apparently.

By the way, there's an Education UK / British Council exhibit going on tomorrow at Rizqun, the Mall. Fourth floor, Sutra Hall. I'll be working there as a promoter for the feedback survey. Sounds fun. Ish. The task, though simple, seems a bit daunting. They're aiming for 200-250 people to answer the survey, and I'm supposed to get those 250 people. A bit of a struggle, I predict. It'll be from 1pm to 6pm, if anyone's wondering. Be there. I'll be at the entrance. And do come in hundreds. Makes my job easier to get those survey forms done. Hahaha.

I guess my holiday isn't as unproductive as it seems at first glance. So far I've been to two pre-departure briefing for new scholars, and is expecting another one this Friday. I've looked after my grandfather in the hospital, essentially learning how to take care of the elderly. I've looked at universities, courses and grade requirements. I guess this amounts to being (somewhat) relatively productive, considering I've had three attachment applications unreplied and ignored.

And oh, being in UK for eight months, you gain new insight to how Brunei is, against how it seems to be. I don't intend to elaborate on that point, because it could get too tedious.

Signing out

Over and out

Capturing The Reluctant Moonlight In A Simplified Phrase

I have a stupid habit of hating boyfriends. Yes, apparently I do. This was highlighted by Fee, when I commented on my initial dislike of the boyfriend of a close friend of mine. It's a stupid thing on my part, I guess, to be so judgmental on someone I barely know. But I still do it nonetheless.

I don't exactly know why I have this outrageously stupid habit of being sceptical towards my friends' boyfriends. Especially when they act like boyfriends, being all cuddly and.. Urm.. boyfriend-ish.

Maybe it's because I'm single, and I'm just jealous of these lucky bastards. Maybe. Haha.

Maybe I'm just being overprotective of my friends, which may sound stupid, but I've seen some of the meanest, most inconsiderate, life-sucking boyfriends (not mine, obviously) around. So I guess me being sceptical is somewhat justified.

I am not entirely sure.

LATEST NEWS: I don't like my aunt's boyfriend. Haha. What does that make me?

I took Sigmeund Freud's test on Tickle today. Scary stuff, especially when a bit turns out to be true. And if you know Freud, you'll know why that's freaky.

Signing out

Over and out

A Predicted Epiphany Amidst Life And Death

Grandpa will be out today. Mainly this news is a relief. Five of my last eight nights were spent here, in Ward 4, staying up till the wee hours of the morning.

I won't say it's been a nightmare though. I've always enjoyed taking late night and early morning walks, when it's quiet and lonely. Pure solace. I remember the walks I used to have with Daeena, from Brunei Hall to Piccadilly Circus. We browsed through Bond Street till 4am. I used to go to Portland Stores at 1am with Farah (She's back today, from Dhaka!) just so I could get out for ten minutes. That was time well spent.

And apparently it's attachment time for the Nursing College students. At least there's something you look forward to seeing everyday. Hahaha. Ha.

Wi-Fi is weak today, so I'm blogging using my phone. I'm gonna miss the free wireless internet here. Hoho. Ha.

Signing out

Over and outinternet, Brunei

Saved By The Bed

I slept on a proper bed for the first time this week last night. I've been sleeping on wheelchairs and floors, if I had any sleep at all. So the return to my own room was certainly welcome.

I also bought a Nintendo Wii, to prove to myself I am still that indulgent person who likes to spend, be it money or time with friends. Being in the hospital, I wasn't that person. I sacrificed my sleep, time and money in there.

I guess I do feel the need to be selfish and indulgent. All my life I've been selfless on too many occasions. This is one of those times.

People take advantage of other people's selflessness. It's a fact of life. None of my cousins, uncles or aunts even offered to take just one day off of work/school to replace me. No one even asked if I was tired of it. The only one who asked was my grandpa, and he's the one being taken care of.

It'll be me again tonight. I don't wanna argue with anyone about it. There's enough back-stabbing going on behind the scenes already.

Signing out

Over and out

Mixed Emotions & Two Thousand Minutes Of Boredom

This guy is a Koopa Troopa, a turtle species in the Super Mario video games, whose members work for Bowser, the villain.

I felt like posting the picture, because I'm currently playing Super Mario 64, which was released about a decade ago. I've been playing it on my laptop, and I still find it so fun even though it's an old game.

There's also another reason I posted this picture. She will know. Hahaha.

I had a mixed day today.

The afternoon was wonderful. I spent it with Fee at Gadong. I thought it was worth it spending my few free hours from the hospital, with her, after a while not seeing her.


Shopping was fun. I'm probably one of the most patient guys (not including boyfriends) when it comes to shopping with girls. At least I think I am. But I don't know. I don't think it's because I'm patient. It's probably because I do enjoy it.

But the night. Oh wow. I remember now why I didn't like family gatherings that much.

I hate the back-stabbing, the feuding, the hidden agendas... All this while my grandpa lies on his bed asleep, trying to recover from whatever is wrong with him...

Oh well. I will be far away from this in one month.

Signing out

Under The Scene Of A Starless Sky

I've been here at the hospital since Sunday night. The only time I've been out of the hospital since then, was just now, for a few hours, to get some stuff from my house, and get some much-needed sleep on my much-missed bed.

Progress has been great though. Grandpa's steadily getting better. The doctor says that he might be fit enough to leave after two days. He's sleeping now. If it isn't for the wireless internet connection, I'd be extremely bored most of the time.

I met Vanessa and Aki yesterday at the hospital. Both unexpectedly. I met Vanessa on the way back from breakfast. Being only half-awake with only three hours of sleep the night before, it took me a while to recognise her. My encounter with Aki was when I was going back from lunch, and I saw him sitting with his family.

I guess those chance meetings, the news of my grandpa getting better, and the fact that allowances come out tomorrow, have lifted my spirits immensely. I'm still pretty tired and exhausted. I've probably only had eight hours of sleep during the last 72 hours.

I'm pretty sure tomorrow is also gonna be my turn, since everyone using the "I've got work/school" excuse to get out of it. I don't really mind, but I do need the rest once in a while.

I'm going out tomorrow afternoon. I've got to get my ass out of this place for just a few hours to mantain some sense of sanity in me.

Oh, well. It could be worse.

Signing out

Over and out

Waiting The Night In Three Different Devices

I'm scared.

I'm here, sitting beside my grandpa's bed, in Ward 4 of the hospital, wondering, "what next?"
His words are weak, and he keeps on asking the same questions, and patiently we give him the same answers.

He's stable. I'm thankful for that. He looks like he'll get through.

But then, I'm still scared.

I wasn't in Brunei when my grandma died about four months ago..

Now, whatever happens, I'm here.

I'll stay here until tomorrow afternoon, then someone else takes over. It's like taking shifts, I guess.

I can't say much at the moment, because I can't really think..

Signing out

Over and out

Tired & Thinking

You would think, that having your holidays would at least mean having a few days doing nothing, staying at home the whole day, renewing your bond with the TV and the microwave oven. But so far, twenty days later, I have had no such days. I've been one way or another out every single day.

There was this one day I almost got through without going out at all, but my parents had to ruin it by saying "Mau ikut jalan shopping?" 5 hours before midnight struck. Yeah, sure, I could've said no, but when parents say that, there's a chance you get to shop without spending your own money. Haha. Ho.

Weirdly, most of my going-outs have been food-related. Well, it isn't really weird, I guess. But the fact is, me being a vegetarian doesn't lend myself to a lot of choices. For example, at Excapade, out of a diverse choice of sushi and japanese food, I could only order three dishes.

Okay, sure, sushi is primarily fish anyway. Good point. But everywhere else, it's the same. So far, Caper's is the best place if you're vegetarian like me. At home, it's actually much worse. You can't get the kind of soy milk that acts as a substitute for cow milk. Bruneian veggie dishes are appalling on their own. Everything has chicken/beef/shrimp/eggs. And so on. I need to go. Sleep. Zzz.

Signing out.

Over and out

Cars & Carousels

Seeing that it was HM's birthday yesterday, we, the three MJs, went out to Bandar, y'know, just to get a taste of the festivities. And fuck, the capital didn't feel festive at all. It wasn't exactly dead, but it wasn't that lively. There was a lot of people, but there simply was just nothing happening. Meeting up with my other cousins felt awkward for me.

Y'know the connection people have with their cousins? Well, I kinda wish I have that with some of my cousins. Meeting them sometimes felt like just meeting an acquaintance. At least I had a bit of fun with the two other MJs, since it was a long time since we hung out together. Too bad the other MJ is in Kuwait. Happy 23rd birthday to her, by the way. Haha.

Since Bandar was too fucking boring, we decided to get something to eat in Kiulap, at Sugar & Spice. I was supposed to meet up with Fee & Dibs at Au Lait Cafe, but that didn't happen. Got back around midnight, and by the end I was so tired and full I crashed onto my bed straight away. Oh, by the way, the other three MJs are my cousins, Messoni, Nana (Mel) and Yayai (Melline). Cool, eh? Haha.

Signing out.

Over and out

Thinking & Hoping

I'm still trying to move on, after the shock of hearing the news that my grandmother had died. When I heard about it, it took a few hours for the sadness to sink in. And when it did, I found myself in lessons staring at thin air, ignoring everything around me. It was hard enough to concentrate in lessons. It was even harder to hold back the tears in front of everyone.

It was ironic I found out about it after more than a week it happened. Through my cousin's blog. It sucks, having to find it out by yourself like that. I felt angry because no one told me about it directly.

But when I rang my parents, I kinda understood why they didn't wanna tell me. They were simply being pragmatic. I respect them for it. They didn't tell me right away so I didn't have to fly all the way back for the funeral. It would've cost a lot of money. And it would've severely disrupted my studies. My dad was calm. I knew he didn't want me to get too emotional about it. "Belajar saja... Jangan tah ingau. Doa kan saja nini mu atu.. Karang kau balik, tarus kita ke kubur, bertahlil." It's really strange - but I guess, entirely predictable - that what my dad said was so similar to what my uncle said to his daughter, who's also in the UK. It took me quite a lot of composure to construct the next sentence, because I could feel the tears trying to pour out. "Camana nini laki?"

That's one thing I'm really grateful about, is that my grandfather is doing well. He's relieved of intensive care, and is now home and healthy. He collapsed in the jungle around the same time my grandmother was in the hospital, he and was sent to intensive care. When my grandmother died, he was unconscious. So he didn't find out till later..

This is an excerpt of the blog from my cousin (21st April 2007), which broke my heart when I read it...

"It tears me up even more to hear that my grandfather doesn't know my grandmother has passed away. His heart is weak, and they don't want to make it worse. Apparently they had a few minutes to each other, as though they knew their time was up. So maybe he does know, though no one has told him. How can a heart not break hearing that?

... But today, even with a heavy heart, I felt thankful that her death made me realize I'm not a robot. That I can feel again. That I can shed tears and ache at a loss. That I am weak and have fears. That I am human and have regrets. Regrets that I didn't always treat my grandmother well. Regrets that I didn't spend as much time as I should've as her favourite grandchild. I wasn't bad to her, but I wasn't good either. And yet, she loved me."

One recurring image that's been going through my head since her death is the image of her with tears, in the airport, when I was about to leave for the UK. At the time, I was really touched, because I didn't spend as much time with her as her other grandchildren, but she still loved me as much. But I didn't think much of it at the time, because I thought I would see her again during the summer. She was such a strong character, with such a beautiful laugh, and a generous hand. I liked going to my grandparents' house, and I regretted the fact that I didn't go there as much as I should have.

She was the midwife and the masseusse of the village. She was quite the woman. Everyone in the village knew her. Every weekend there would always be someone visiting her for a massage.

Nini bini, you will be forever missed

Signing out

Over and out

Hopes & H

This is so fucked up. I can't believe this...

I woke up today, feeling just like the happiest man alive, had a wonderful breakfast, and was ready for a relaxed day, with the allowances coming out. But fuck, how has that feeling been crushed...

I still can't believe this...

I just found my grandmother had died... After more than a week...Gaaah.....

This is.....

Fuck... I can't do this......